Scout Decides to Grow Balls
by Maggot Magnet
Summary: This took years to perfect, you're all jealous


Author's Note: Fuck y'all, I'm half asleep and I feel like writing shit. Have fun.

* * *

One day Scout decided that he should stop being a pussy and actually grow some balls.

Of course, that possibility was highly unlikely.

However Scout realized that after every single battle he would end up sobbing in a corner while Soldier hurled insults at him.

Take yesterday, for example.

* * *

BLU won.

Soldier was fucking pissed.

He ranted about the empty battlefield, stomping across the bedrooms, looking for a certain Bostonite that hadn't gotten any sleep the previous night.

Seriously, though. How can one get to sleep when the Red Sox were whoopin' major ass in the World Series? Scout stayed up all night staring at the TV screen that flickered and buzzed often since Scout had 'accidentally' threw his bat at it when the Sox lost the Series to the St. Louis Cardinals in seven games. (Seven fuckin' games, man! I tell ya, it's all cuz a' dat basta'hd Carl. What da fuck, Yastrzemski? What, ah' you fuckin' stupid? Ya blind as a fuckin' bat? Jeez, man, ya ain't got shit! Get off mah freakin' team!) So Engineer had neglected to fix Scout's television, still mad at Scout for drawing miniature weiners all over his blueprints. One does not simply mess with Engineer's blueprints. Scout was lucky he had a visible TV screen at all. The damn thing chattered and wheezed at random times, droning a staticy noise and snowing black and white at some points. Damn, he couldn't even watch Tony C kick the Tiger's ass without a random static noise and a weird-ass bleeping with random flashes. Sucks.

Scout got no sleep except for a tiny nap for every commercial break that was shown. Especially those goddamn Coca-Cola commercials because he'd seen them so often he practically knew them by heart. But roughly 10 hours later he arose from his bed with the most bloodshot eyes anyone's ever seen. Damn, even the Demoman couldn't get that shade of red after weeks of Scrumpy-binging.

But anyways, Scout's vision was blurred to the point that every cloaked Spy was nearly feeling sorry for him and he obviously couldn't run for shit. He even fell down in the mud. Twice. Snoring.

* * *

It's not freaking rocket science, but no team can win without the yapping young Bostonian who lacked a healthy pair in his pants and ran around the track tossing baseballs at random people.

And it's not a freaking equation that no team can win if this certain Bostonian fell down in the mud.

Twice.

I fucking swear he was snoring.

And so Soldier obviously had a pissy fit all over Scout after the match ended. The goddamn BLU Heavy faggot always steals those freaking Control Points with his blubbery Russian fat communist ass and God knows why the hell their BLU Medic faggot can put up with that complete idiot other than possible bribes that include blowjobs and shitloads of crazy drugs that are probably not even in Charlie Sheen's known vocabulary. As I was saying though, that goddamn Heavy fatass bitch rolled his obesity all over to their Control Points and basically shit his Sandviches all over them and thus somehow won the game. Hax, I tell you. HAX. Communists! Always haxing!

But right now the only person who Soldier hated more than that BLU fatass bitch Heavy Weapons Gay was the tiny Scout whose eyes resembled an anorexic mouse's in a meth lab.

"YOU are the WORST player ON THIS GODDAMN TEAM!" Soldier shouted after the match was over. As he and Scout walked towards their sleeping quarters, he whipped out his disciplinary action. And trust me, the Soldier seriously has no gay intentions with that whip thingamajig. Goddamnit, if Soldier was a faggot, then you can call your dick a seahorse and Newt Gingrich a beautiful sexy lad-ayyy. Nothing would be right in this world if Soldier caught the queer. That's why he's not gay for Engy-poo, and he never even calls him his cupcake or thanks him whenever he uses the teleporter and he never accuses Scout of drawing weiners on Engineer's blueprints. So of course he really had no wrong or sick, faggoty intentions as he pulled out the riding crop that can be deemed kinky if you are a possible rapist or a crazy fangirl who orgasms every single time she respawns because she leans her mouse forward and proceeds in staring between a running Scout's legs because oh my god that teenage boy is obviously so kawaii desu even though he can't talk like a normal human being and his teeth protrude out of his mouth like a shit-eating llama that is in a desperate need for braces. Not that that's unattractive or anything, gosh. I was simply stating truefax. Deal wit it.  
No, Soldier had no intentions of whipping Scout or getting boners by seeing the younger man twitch and cry out in pain from the feeling of leather pounding and burning against his skin.

Leave Soldier alone.

All he wants to do is whip the shit out of that annoying bastard. Why?

O_kay_, I'll_ tell_ you _why._

He fell in the mud.

Fucking twice.

And I'm not fucking kidding about the fucking snoring.

"That's cuz I ain't got no sleep man, calm yer tits! 'S not my fault ya ain't go to the freakin' Angeh' Management classes or whatevah' you call 'em," Scout chattered on as he tried to find the doorknob of his door. However, due to his sleep deprivation, his hand just kind of slid across the door like he was high on cocaine or something or the doorknob had some kind of forcefield around it that whenever you try to touch it your hand goes the wrong way and you end up slapping the air like a homoerotic walrus. 'Ort, ort, ort' indeed. "Your MAMA would not AYYY-PROVE of this NON-SLEEPING!" he shouted into Scout's face because that's just how he rolls. And as he shouted he spit on his face because that's also how Soldier rolls. Soldier doesn't care. Soldier doesn't give a shit. He spits in people's faces because he's just a ranting sergeant that doesn't give a shit about what others think, unless they're thinking about doing a gaysecks with him because if they do that is just sick and disgusting. Urgh. Why would he ever want to see someone on his team, like Engineer, for example, feel his throbbing cock inside of him as he slides in and out with passion and moans and delicious gay lovin'. Mm, mm. No, wait, I mean, that's, like, Soldier's biggest digusto-thought ever. Whenever he has to fall asleep, he thinks about that because, firstly, he gets such an anti-boner that it digs his dick back into his body backwards and that makes tons of sense, I swear - and also it gives him 'nightmares' and he loves 'nightmares', the scarier the better. And I put the quotations around 'nightmares' because my finger slipped and I was not referring to, for example, Soldier having wet dreams about fucking the Engineer up his tight Texan asshole. God, what the fuck were you thinking? What the hell is wrong with you? Stop putting these dirty things into my story. I know you're horny, but you should seriously fap somewhere else. Gross, I'd never write ANYTHING having to do with gay sex. Gay sex is so gross. Especially, for example, a Spy and a Sniper making out as the Sniper would grab Spy's slim, tender hips and saddle him onto his long cock and then the Spy does French noises because he's French and French people make French noises when they fuck. Like 'Bonjour' or 'Je m'appelle' or 'I surrender!' or some shit like that. Ewwww, gay sex is disgusting. Soldier thinks so too. He would never do it. Ever ever. Or ever even think about it. Wait a second, why are YOU thinking about gay sex, dear reader? Stop being horny here, GOSH! This isn't some kind of Bareback Twinks Site where every character is introduced just so they can fuck each other up the ass, and whenever I don't go on these sites I thankfully don't get reminded of how much that dude on the video looks like a Soldier and how the other one looks like an Engineer and oh my god wait a second are they fucking oh my god oh my god I think I'm going to jizz buckets. Dude, that's fucking gross. Who the fuck does that? Ew. Urgh. Pedos with gaypenis.

"YOU SPIT IN MY FACE, FICKIN' FAGGOT!" Well, of course, Scout seems to be very mad. Due to the fact that he was half-asleep the entire battle, that small drip of water woke that Boston bastard right the hell up and like every other sane relatable character in the world Scout is uber-angry whenever he wakes up. I don't know, I'm using a skill I learned in class which is like 'if you relate with your characters they are realistic' and I know for a fact that whenever I wake up I want to punch someone in the jaw so that their teeth pop one by one out of their ears and blood seeps out of their fingernails like tiny waterfalls and their legs fall off and stick to the ceiling and they have epileptic seizures all over the bedroom and all the while I'll be sleeping like "Nigga, you cray-cray". So the second someone spit in Scout's face he woke the fuck up and it wasn't fucking pretty. As I re-read that last sentence, I realized some gay sicko pervert asshole can misinterpret that as a part of some bizarre fanfiction in which someone sucks Scout's dick and then spits the semen onto his face. Frankly, where the fuck did you get THAT fucking idea? Don't read my fanfics if you're going to change them into a gay fuckfest of random people sucking each other off and then doing kinky things afterwards like pissing in each other's mouths or whipping asses with disciplinary actions till they're red or spitting jizz on each other's faces like I saw on a Brandnewsong Movie Special of the Week once. But I clicked that accidentally because I accidentally typed in a gay site and then the gay site had that video and I was trying to escape but then I clicked it and I saw it and then I felt so bad that I barfed in my toilet and when I barfed I remembered what I saw in another video once also and then I kept barfing and it was like an infinite loop in which I barf because I barf and it went on for hours on end and it was like a living hell of barf and eating-induced bodily fluids. But then eventually I ran out of food in my intenstines so it was all a-O.K. But if the Medic was there he would have said a Medic joke that included nausea and intenstines. I think I know one, but I forgot it. Damnit.

And so then Scout rushes into his room to sleep but of course Soldier runs after him to his bed. Now, if you were a pervert - AND YOU ARE - you would think that I was about to write a fanfic in which Soldier rapes the shit out of our lovely protagonist, sexy virgin-assed Scout, and then procceeds to forcibly give him handjobs and then spike his drink a week later so all of this can keep happening and eventually Soldier takes it all the way to Sniper's camper van and Scout is like 'DA FUQ' because he's always been spiked when they fuck but then this time Soldier just fucks him and Scout is like 'holy shit wat' and everything is so goddamn gay that even rainbows start crying at Scouts, and that's a pretty big step to evolution of rainbows if you ask me because last time I checked rainbows don't have eyes or a conscience or any feelings so rainbows just evolved from a non-living organism to a living organism and the first thing they ever saw was Soldier fucking a Scout and they're like 'HOLY SHIT WAHT THE FUCK' because yeah rainbows speak English now too, okay? And then I realize that I feel bad for rainbows and so whatever fuck it. Rainbows are like unborn fetuses to me. They have no feelings. KILL THEM NOW PLS.

Soldier flops down onto the bed and yells more at Scout. "NOW DON'T YOU FALL AYYY-SLEEP ON ME, YOU FILTHY MAGGOT!" he shouts, and Scout's ears hurt a lot because more than 10 minutes of Soldier shouting at you begins to seriously damage your eardrums. Maybe that's why the team had a Medic! Ha ha. Do you see what I did there? Of course you do. Psyche, you're probably thinking about gay sex again. You perv. "Sleep? SLEEP, YOU'RE TRYING TO SLEEP, ARE YOU, SON? I'M NOT SURE HOW YOU'RE GOING TO FALL ASLEEP WITH THE AWARENESS THAT YOU HAVE LOST A BATTLE FOR YOUR TEAM! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF SLEEP! Why, when I was in 'Nam, you should have seen the - "

Hands over his ears, the Scout gets so annoyed he wants to boil his eardrums by pouring hot coffee into the holes in his ears and be deaf for the rest of his life because all he wants to do is get some shut-eye but this goddamn wind-up-toy of a 40-year-old man keeps yelling and yelling and OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP. "DUUUDE. Let me sleep. I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS. Why doncha leave me 'lone? GAWWSH."  
Anyone who knows Soldier knows Soldier will not be shut up. The team doesn't always shut up the Soldier. But when they do, they end up being lectured on how exactly they should respect their more ranked team members and yadda-yadda-yadda-don't-insult-me-because-I-have-better-abs-than-you-yadda-yadda-also-aren't-you-jealous-that-my-dick-is-like-5-times-your-length-yadda-yadda-yadda. "MAGGOT! Doooo NOT speak that way to your HIGHEST-RANKED TEAMMATE!" And then Soldier went on with a story about how if he was in Scout's shoes he would be kneeling below the Soldier and kissing his feet and crying out for mercy. Not in a gay way, though. In a way that involves lots of racist slurs. And excessive use of the word 'maggot.'

After the two-hour long lecture and several of Scout's attempts to jam pillows around his own head to drown out the incessant ranting, the Soldier finally left Scout to sleep.

But for some weird-ass reason, Scout couldn't sleep.

"Jeez, what da fuck?" Scout muttered after tossing and turning after hours. He'd already replaced his clothes with his favorite footie pajamies with the lil' baseballs on 'em. Those were legit his favorite ones. It even beat the ones with the cars on them that Ma sent because those were too tight on his ass and his ass always felt like gelatin when it was squeezed up in that goddamn piece of cotton shit. Also, the one with the cars wasn't cool enough because his older brother Robby would ALWAYS make fun of him for wearing that one because one of the cars were pink and Scout said he liked that car the most and Robby goes, "Ha, ha, fag!" so of course Scout is like 7 at the time so he replies with a, "Fuck you asshole, why you callin' me gay, 'uh?" Robby's argument was pink was the color of dicks but then Scout says, "How do you know that, queer?" and they got into a fight so whenever he wears those goddamn cars he thinks about how hard Robby smacked his shit and then he starts sniffling a little bit only don't tell Spy that because one time Spy walked in on Scout crying in the kitchen at 2:00 AM and so the Spy says, "Merde, boy, what's 'appened to the Scout we all know and despise?" but the Scout wipes the tears away with his baseball footie pajama sleeve and he goes, "I miss my Ma real real real bad," because he really does and it hurts him to think about how Ma always kinda hugged him and how she yelled at him for eating the last pudding and how she used to give him his brother's dirty underwear 'by accident' and how she always forgot his name. Damn, he missed her and he loved her a lot so he told Spy about that one time he and Ma were in a pharmacy and Scout was getting ice cream but then he dropped it on the floor and shouted "FUUUUUCK!" and the vendor goes, "Is something wrong with your son, ma'am?" and she goes, "Hopefully not!" and then they both crack up but Scout was all like, "Where's the fuckin' joke?" but it's one of those memories you hold on to forever because he loves his Ma. But then the Spy comforts him and tells him it's going to be their little secret but he says that with a weird-ass face and then he hover-hands him in the most awkward hug ever and the next day at breakfast everyone calls Scout 'crybaby' and 'Ma's little boy' and Scout is really really mad at the French fag who he hates and that French fag should go shove a grenade up his dick because he's such a faggot and he would enjoy that shit because every faggot is a sick perv who has weird kinks like boot licking or the runs or covering each other in chocolate and devouring each other's skin with sharpened teeth because tearing off hunks of human flesh is so sexy, especially if they're covered in blood. And jelly. Jelly is delicious with blood. Medic would know. Or he wouldn't know. I'd say he would because it's more canon. Even though I hate gay things. So let's pretend he just eats flesh off of dead corpses on the battlefield and that's all.

So Scout decides the only thing that will save him from this horrid sleepless hell is a good ol' fap. But no matter how hard he thinks about Jean Shrimpton, he can't get the damn little thing up. So Scout starts thinking about super-uber sex with Miss Pauling and nothing happens and then he thinks about someone sucking his dick but nothing happens too and then he gets really really mad because now he can't sleep and he really wants to be horny but it's not working. He realized that he needs to stop being a pussy and grow some balls.

So he gets an idea. What if he stole somebody's porn stash?

For kicks, you know?

Also, he was really horny.

But he mostly wanted to do that for kicks.

And then he'd keep the porn.

If it's good.

And then the Scout is like, "DAT'S A FREAKIN' GREAT IDEA!" but then he slaps his hand over his mouth because he realizes he shouted super loud and he hoped he didn't wake anyone up because if he did what would he tell them? "Hey, guys, I was happy because I got the idea to look for somebody's porn stash because the only porn I've ever seen is this one page of Playboy my brother Tom used to have and it had this sexy lady with a corset on it and it was really hot but the lady was kind of ugh because of her tits since her tits were like so small and you could barely even see them through the corset and you have to kind of imagine how they would look and it sucks to imagine how someone's tits look because I try it every day on Miss Pauling but she always wears the freaking huge T-Shirts and I can't even see a freaking hint of cleavage and it bugs me and I just really want some porn right now." But that won't work. So he realized the person who probably had the most porn was Sniper because that creepy old bastard never shaved and spent hours of "alone time" in his van and whenever you knock he would shout, "GO AWAY WANKAHS, OI'M A...A B-BIT BUSY ROIGHT NAH'!" and also he always seemed to stare at people's asses and think that because he had sunglasses no one would know where he was looking but god was he wrong! You should see the way he stares at Miss Pauling and sometimes even Spy but Scout thought that maybe he just accidentally looked there because if that wasn't an accident then Sniper was a sick gay pervert with a pedo gaypenis and an ugh life and he was a complete pedophile and he probably should go die in a puddle. And then one time he turned around and Sniper was staring at him and Scout goes, "Whatcha starin' at? Do I got a ketchup stain on my ass or somethin'?" and then Sniper goes, "You don - Wait! Y-Yeah, Oi'll...Oi'll jus' clean it off for you, heh..." and then he reached down to Scout's ass and even though it took like an hour he managed to rub off the ketchup stain but that night Scout thought about it and he really hadn't eaten any ketchup that past year. Which was kinda strange in a way. But Sniper wasn't lying, so everything was probably all good. It's allll good.

The Scout ran all the way to the parking lot that was behind the sleeping quarters and he quietly tiptoed over to the camper van's window. Then he quietly took out his bat and he quietly swung it and then CRASSSSSSSSH and all the glass cracked into the van. Scout was impressed. He was actually really quiet that time!

So then he crawls into the van and the Sniper is snoring really loudly and so the Scout looks at him just for kicks and then he noticed that EWWWWWWWWWW OHH MY GOD OOH MY GOD HE'S NOT WEARING A SHIRT EW EW EW EW EWWW GROSS MAN AWWW JEEEZ WHAT THE FUCK WHO DOESN'T WEAR A FUCKING SHIRT EWWW PUT SOMETHING ON OVER THAT GODDAMN HAIRY CHEST UUUURHHG SNIPER IS A BIG FAT UGH OH MY GOD GROOSSSSSS. And then the Scout looks around and he sees a magazine! The magazine is all red and black and at the top it says in script letters 'For Wankers' and so Scout thinks it's some sort of weird-ass Aussie porn but he guesses it'll do. And then he searches in a desk drawer and he sees a bunch of condoms and a few weird buzzy things that kind of confused him and then he saw another magazine that was all purplish and it said 'C'est l'Amour' on it so Scout thought, "Yes, French porn! _Scoooore_!" so then he grabs it and runs but by that time Sniper snores abruptly and throws his eyes open going, "Huh-wha-who? Wot in th - " and then he sees his condom dresser open and his window smashed and he realizes it must have been a porn thief so he sighs and goes, "Bloody hell..." and then he just drifts back into sleep because Sniper don't care. Sniper don't give a shit. His wonderful Australian mind is the spawn of half the amazing piss-porns you've ever seen and even though that it probably never really comes out of that grey matter it's really a brain that you wouldn't want to headshot because if a porn director was walking in circles wondering what the next great plot for a porn might be all he has to do is phone up the Sniper and the Sniper will make sure the porn is_ polite, efficient_, and helps _wank_ everyone you see. Well, that's only if everyone you see is into French guys getting covered in piss. And by French guys I don't mean Spies, I mean...uh, I mean...wait a second, did I say French guys? I meant hookers. Because everyone likes hookers, right? Even though they're illegal everyone still secretly fucks a few in Las Vegas. In fact, that was what Sniper was dreaming about at that moment. Told you he had the best mind ever! And also, I'm not referring to the fact that the hookers might have been Spies in bunny outfits at all since that's totally sick and what the fuck is wrong with you? Stop being such an_ ugh._ And so when the Scout goes back to his room clutching the porn mags he's biting his lip and the lights are all off because if he turned them on imagine how horrible it would be if Soldier came in his room and he'd go "What are you doing with all those maga - FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!" and he'd probably run out of the room screaming or whack Scout's dick with a shovel or something like that. And that won't be good. So Scout left the lights off. He turns to the first page of the French porn and he sees a really sexy ass and then freakin' FINALLY he gets it up and he faps harder than he ever did in his life even though the light in the room is really scarce since the lamp on his table wasn't so goddamn bright and basically he only saw the outlines of the bodies. And then he saw this one body outline with real sexy panties on a carpet and it was really hot so he vowed when he woke up he would see how she looked and shit. So he fapped anyway, to both the magazines, and at the end when he finally came he was like "AWW SHIT YES OH GOD OH _GOD_ AAAAAW _YEAHHHHHH_ - " and then he remembered it was like 4 AM and he was seriously fucked so he threw the magazines under his bed and pretended to be asleep a la crazy snoring and a weird-ass pose with the blanket draped over his deflated dead boner.

* * *

That morning he woke up and the first thing he wanted to know was what those mags actually looked like so he reached under the bed to get them.

And then he flipped over to his favorite page where the girl had the panties on the carpe -

Wait a second.

Girls don't have dicks.

Wait a fucking second.

The girl on the carpet with the panties.

That's not a girl.

THAT'S A SPY.

A BLU SPY.

IN PANTIES.

THAT'S A BLU SPY IN FUCKING PANTIES!

OHHH MY GOD..

**OOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYYYYY _GOO-O-O-OOOOO-O-OOOOOO-O-OO-OOO-OO-OD!_**

What the _FUCK_ WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO _NOW?_

HE'S _GAY!_

_SCOUT_ IS_ GAY_!

_WHAT THE FUCK?_

So he took a deep breath and closed his eyes and flopped down on the bed. Technically, he didn't KNOW the picture was of a man and he thought it was a girl so technically he wasn't gay, right? But on the other hand the thing that turned him on was technically of the male gender so it was kind of gay because he fapped to something that had a dick. But on the other other hand why would he -

Wait a second.

Sniper had these mags, right?

Right?

_RIGHT?_

Why did Sniper have these mags if he knew they were gay mags? Wait, what? Sniper's not gay! Sniper's pretty chill! Scout even hung out with him once in his van even though it was kind of awkward because Scout found one of the buzzy things on the floor and he went, "Yo, what's dis thingy?" and the Sniper's face got all red and sweaty and he goes, "I-it's moi...moi ca' alahm! Don' touch it!" and he slapped Scout's hand so he dropped the buzzy thing on the floor and then it began making a weird noise on the floor and Scout started laughing because it sounds like a mosquito and it was weird and Sniper kept getting all red because he couldn't turn it off but Scout didn't get what the problem was because it was only a car alarm and there was no need to get so worked up over it, jeez. But another time Scout and Sniper had to go shoe shopping for Engineer because Engineer accidentally stepped into a flame and the Respawn was being retarded and Engineer burned his foot and the Medic healed it and that shit was good but the problem was that Engineer had no good boots. So Scout and Sniper went to a department store close to 5gorge and it was called 'Foot Locker' or some craaazy shit like that and so Scout goes to Sniper all, "Yo, what kinda boots he got before?" and the Sniper bites his lip and says, "Oi don't remembeh, how about get'n him these 'nstead?" and he raises up these high heeled boots that end in lace and are covered in cheetah print and then Scout cracks up and says, "Alright, I guess. I got Engineer's foot size about, so I might as well try them on or somethin'" but as Scout was putting them on Sniper kneeled down next to the couch thing and he helped Scout but he kept turning red as he did and after it was on Sniper got up to see how it looks but then he just started shuffling around a lot and pulling down his shirt and he got really sweaty and he says, "C-can...d'ya know how ta' wolk in 'em?" and Scout laughs and goes, "Well, yeah, I guess I can try!" and then he walks across the department store and then he trips and falls on his face and Sniper offers him a hand so he gets him back up and says, "Pretty hard fall, 'uh? Y'alroight?" but of course Scout isn't alright at all - "UH, NO" - is the Sniper freakin' BLIND? JEEEZ! So they end up buying normal boots for Engineer and the ride home from the store Sniper looks really really pissed and so Scout asks, "What's da mattah? Weren'cha kiddn' 'bout dose silly boots wit da cheetah print on 'em?" but then Sniper just grumbled something and whacks the Civilian bobblehead a million times really angrily and it was really awkward for Scout. It was so awkward that Scout actually started counting trees out the window and when he counted to 69 Scout started to crack up and Sniper says, "Whassa matteh? Somethin's funny, hm?" but the Scout just goes, "Ha ha ha, oh god, I just got 69!" and the Sniper just stares at him with really wide eyes and Scout realizes that sounded really awkward so he kind of shrinks into his seat and after a while Sniper asked quietly, "Wot d'you mean boi that, mate?" and Scout says, "...I-I just meant I was lookin' out da window and I counted 69 trees an'...an' it was pretty damn funny, that's all." Well of course, the Sniper doesn't really respond and he keeps whacking the Civilian's head and it gets super awkward but soon they're finally there in the parking lot and when they go into Medic's office Medic says, "Vell you two haf been gone for quite the vile, how haz it been zeah? Find hiz size?" And Scout smiles and goes, "Yeah, we got his size alright! Good ol' boots just like you had 'em!" and the Sniper just nods real quiet and the Engineer lays on the bed smiling at them and thanks them for that and his leg is up in a cast and it's barefoot and it has a tiny burn scar on the heel. Sniper asks if the Engineer needs any help getting the shoe on and then Engineer smiles and goes, "I don't know how I can do without, pardner!" and then Sniper does a weird grin and starts slowly sliding on the shoes so Scout thinks something's up with Sniper so he just kind of backs away into the exit because he suddenly felt like running laps outside.

But as he went outside that day he saw Heavy moping around real sad and for once the fat Russian guy didn't look so menacing and actually looked like he needed a friend. So Scout called, "Yo, whassa mattah, Fatty Weppin' Guy?" and the Heavy sits down on a rock and says, "Nothing is matter, that is all." Of course, Scout sees past that and he says, "So, why ya so sad? 'S it about Medic or Sandvich havin' too much a' those calories, or did Sasha got 'er first period or somethin'? C'mon, c'mon, spill it, fatty." Heavy, of course, has no idea what he just said so he just kind of nods and says, "Doktor spend so much time with Engineer, Doktor almost forget me. Yesterday we want to go read book together. Instead he forget and read book to Engineer. It make me sad. Heavy miss his Doktor." Heavy kicked at the floor with his huge boot and damn it looked so weird for this fat brute to actually show his feelings that Scout had to hold back a lot not to laugh. "Whacha want_ me_ to do 'bout it? Tell da Medic you miss yer makeout sessions?" Heavy, again of course, did not understand what the fuck Scout was blabbering about because why the hell does Scout expect Heavy to understand? Heavy can barely put a sentence together, much less hear one. Last time they were watching a movie they had to pause every 15 seconds so Medic could explain everything that just happened. And shit like that really ruins the plot of Phsyco.

"Da, yes, exactly what need!" Heavy grinned and shook his head. A grinning Heavy is severely unattractive and Scout winced a bit due to the fact that smiling was not something Heavy should be doing often. It should really be one of those not-a-day-job kind of things. "Go, run leetle baby Scout legs, tell Doktor vat you said! Go on, faster than a wind!"

And so Scout ran to the medical office to see Sniper and Engineer and Medic laughing about something and he burst open the door saying, "Doc! Doc, Heavy needs you outside! He's mopin' aroun', sayin' he misses a makeout session with you!" Medic blushed and tugged on his tie. He had the most embarrassed face of all time. Engineer had a very surprised expression that hid behind his goggles and he had a dopey smile as he watched Medic's reaction. Sniper's face looked nearly confused, but the tips of his mouth sort of kept twitching into a smirk. "Makeout sessions, oi?" he grumbled. "Well, 's it true, Doc? Ya really got somethin' goin' with 'im, don' you?" Sniper grinned and squinted his eyes. "Don't suppose you eveh gotten so far with 'im as to...you-know-wot? Heheh." With that, Medic humphed and smacked Sniper squarely across his cheek to make Sniper fall onto the metal floor with a yelp and Medic ran out of his office singing, "ICH BIN ZU IHNEN L UFT, MEIN V GELEIN~!"...whatever the hell that means. It probably meant 'I'm going to run outside now because I have a nasty urge to deepthroat a fat Russian dick and take that chode up the ass because I'm obviously a German Nazi-escapist that has severe issues and lots of proof that I am a sadist that should not ever even lay eyes on a scalpel for the horrible things I may decide to learn by performing autopsy on a live organism such as the poor, unsuspecting Scout in his sleep. Just kidding, he probably just said something about how his balls itched or something. I don't know. Medic's a creepy dude._ And I don't speak Nazi._

But anyways that next morning Scout dashed into the kitchen for some pancakes and milk or whatever he was craving to eat that morning other than Miss Pauling. Scout was always first to breakfast. His hyperactivity did make it hard for him to fall asleep, but as soon as he woke up on a normal day he was buzzing around the battlefield like a motherfucking bumblebee with steroids. He sat down at the table and boiled himself some coffee all by himself like a big boy, even though that was probably the worst idea ever since he'll be bouncing off the walls and words will be pouring out of his mouht about twelve times faster. He would have drank a can o' Bonk, but he thought he should save those for the actual battle. Bonk is too cool to drink casually. It's made solely for whoopin' ass. Honestly.

As always, Engineer is the second one up and walking to the breakfast table. "G'mornin' to you, Scout," he yawns. "Rise 'n shine, didn't ya! I gather y'actually slept last night?"

"Yeah, I did sleep actually," Scout said with a tiny sip to his coffee which was still a bad idea. He began shaking with the intensity of the coffee beans boiling into his immature bloodstreams. "I slept a lot and I didn't look in Snipah's porn collec'chun or nothin' for any porn and 'specially not gay porn because gay porn is for gay faggots and I couldn' really sleep last night how ya doin with you did you sleep or-did-ja-stay-up-like-me-OR-DID-YOU-JUSS-LOOK-AT-PORN'N'JUSS_'NOT'LIKE'ME'THOUGH'I'MEAN'IWAS'KIND'OF'JUSS'LIKE'CHILLIN_ - "

"SCOUT! Scout! Slow down, I can't hear wha'cher sayin'!" Engineer shouted over the noise steaming from Scout's yabbering mouth.

"_'YOU'SLOW'ASS'FAGGOT'YOU'DON'TEVENFFUIAUUIFDSFSIUISD!_" He then slammed his head on the table, moaning. "Ohhh, ohh god, I don't feel too good...I think I'm real buzzed..."

Engineer fidgeted. "Alrighty then."

The toast popped out of the toaster. Engineer hastily retreived it and sat down next to Scout on the table.

It was really awkward.

Scout stared at his coffee cup. It said '#1 Sniper.'

Engineer poured himself some coffee.

Scout remembered what kind of magazines Sniper owned and barfed in his mouth a little bit.

"Y'okay there?" Engineer asked quietly as he heard a strange gagging noise coming from Scout's mouth. Not that it reminded him of the sound that Soldier doesn't make whenever Engineer doesn't get forced into blowjobs in which Soldier totally doesn't press him against a wall and unzip his overalls and doesn't deepthroat his dick at all.

Scout said he was okay.

There was a sudden burst of laughter coming from the sleeping quarters. It sounded like the laughter of an annoying German. A distance voice called, "Ooh! Ooh, look at _zis_ one! Ooh hoo hoo! Can you_ believe_ zat Scout _really_ does zat? Ooh hoo!"

Another distinct voice demanded, "Nae, lad, lemme see it, won't ye - _OH ME MOTHEH TILLY!_ Damn, Ae ain't _ne'er_ seen anythin' like th's, an' to think it's th'_ Scout_, ae! Ha aha hah!"

Engineer looked over to the hallway and then back at Scout. "Sounds like they're talking 'bout you, son. What're they laughin' at? I take it you drew somethin' funny or yer silly pajamas..."

Scout, insecure of his current train-track pajamas, crossed his arms and sunk in his seat with a scowl. "What? 'S dere a freakin'_ problem_ wit' da pajamas?"

"N-no!" Engineer stammerred, scratching the back of his helmet. "I just...I just meant that - "

There was an explosion of laughter from Scout's room. What the hell was the German and the Token-Black-Guy laughing about?

Curiosity drove the Engineer and Scout to stroll on over to Scout's room to witness a closed door and obscure but audible buckets of shits and giggles.

"What'cha_ fags_ laughin' 'bout?" Scout piped, bursting through the door to see Demoman and Medic huddled over his table.

_"Nozzing!_" cried Medic with a grin.

"Ae, _we_'eh not th' fags 'ere, lad," Demoman grumbled with a chuckle. "Says you!" Scout guffawed.

Medic then huddled a bit closer and squeaked, "Oooh, look at_ zis_ one! Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha!"

German laughter can drive anyone crazy. Scout stomped on the floor, screaming, _"TELL ME WHAT YOU GUYS LAUGHIN' AT!_"

Engineer pulled his shoulders up with a wince. "Now, now, let's not get_ too_ rowdy - "

His remark was ignored. Scout shoved Engineer away from the doorway and pushed into Medic and Demo. Scout's eyes were met by his greatest nightmare. He squeaked and gulped, his arms shivering in the air. "Ooh hoo hoo! Such_ magazines_ you haff gotten your hands on! 'For Vankahs'! Scout, vat has herr Sniper been telling to you?"

Engineer stood transfixed in the corner as he saw the cover of the homoerotic magazine, unsure of what to do next. "Poor Scout," he muttered quietly, shaking his head with empathy. "That just ain't right."

"An' les' not forgeh' th' _other_ one with the _Spies_ in it, mates," Demoman laughed, holding up the page with the Spy in panties on a carpet. "It wa' even open to tha' page right under 'is bed!"

Scout turned really red. "YO, _GIMME_ DAT! STOP_ LOOKIN'_ AT IT! IT AIN'T_ MINE,_ 'K?"

The magazines were held high above Scout's head, Scout trying unsuccessfully to jump and nab them from Demoman's hands.

"Yer into th' Snipers too, ain't you, laddie?" Demoman grinned and laughed. He flipped to a page that showed a full-page pin up of a shirtless Sniper fondling his rifle next to an abundance of Mann Co Crates.

"Vell, zat's not as bad as _DIZ_ one!" Medic grabbed a magazine from Demoman's hand and opened to a page showing something so undeniably horrible that Scout nearly wanted to barf. He would have sworn last night that was a WOMAN getting covered in piss.

"NO! NO, EWWW! OH MY GOD, EWWWWW!" Scout screamed with realization of what exactly was going on in that scene. "EWWWW! PUT IT AWAY! _URGHHHHH!_"

"Wha's all the fuss 'ere?" Sniper asked calmly as he saw the Scout jumping for the magazines.

Enter the Sniper with his '#1 Sniper' cup and nothing on but piss-yellow glasses and grey plaid boxers.

Everyone in the room froze.

"...Snipah?" Medic said quietly.

Sniper's eyes drifted up to the magazines. "Oi, leggo of those, mate," he said calmy, walking over and retreaving them from Demo's and Medic's hands. "Those're moine." Magazines in hand, he took another sip of his coffee and exited the quarters back to his camper van.

He wasn't seen the rest of that morning.  
The team did not necessarily wonder why.

* * *

In conclusion, Scout _did _decide that he should stop being a pussy and actually grow some balls.

Of course, that possibility _did_ turn out to be...uh, very unlikely.

(That's probably because he's in a fangirl fandom, but that's not the case here.)

He grew gay balls.

_Gaypenis._

Aww. Poor Scootfag.

The end.


End file.
